So that's how she used to feel.
No wonder she would cry.
……
I wanted to reason with Nicole.
She's not stupid, she should know that being with me is the best option.
I admit that I've been a bit excessive in the past, but I'll rein myself in from now on.
I had thought of many ways to approach the conversation, but the moment I saw the hickey on her neck, I forgot everything.
In that instant, I wanted to smash everything!
I wanted to confront her and ask what she wanted!
I even considered finding a knife to kill her and then kill myself!
How could she betray me?!
How could she have betrayed me?!
Just a few months ago, she was still crying over my late nights, leaving tear stains on her pillow, and now, in just a few short months, she's fallen in love with someone else?!
But she only sneered and asked me:
"How come you don't recognize this on someone else?"
At that moment, I suddenly couldn't speak.
Yeah.
I was the one who said we should keep out of each other's business.
And I was the one who cheated first.
What right do I have to blame her?
Isn't this what I wanted?
Those young, fresh bodies passing through my arms, I was addicted to the feeling of novelty.
Girls would look at me with admiration, saying how great I was.
They had never seen me at my worst.
Rather than saying I liked them, I preferred the version of myself reflected in their eyes.
Perfect, powerful.
Unlike in Nicole's eyes, where I knew she had endured so much with me, I shouldn't have done this.
But every time I was with her, a voice in my head reminded me of my past.
She would bring up the past after arguments, trying to win me back.
She didn't know that those were the things I hated hearing the most.
I've already succeeded.
I want to sever the past of failure.
Including her.
……
I couldn't sleep all night.
Every time I closed my eyes, the hickey on Nicole's neck appeared before me.
I couldn't help but think about it.
The way she was lost in it.
The way she held that person.
The way she was intimate with someone else.
Each scene was like a knife, slicing away pieces of my heart.
But I couldn't control myself.
As dawn approached, I wiped the corner of my eye.
Wet and cold.
Oh, I cried.
I couldn't help but laugh, and the laughter grew louder.
Is this karma?
The tears I made Nicole shed will eventually flow from my own eyes.
Only now do I realize how important she is to me.
She has become a part of my flesh and blood, and any movement hurts like a wound.
It's just that before, she had never left.
I never knew.
……
Nicole seems determined to get a divorce.
I pretended to agree, saying I wanted to meet the other person.
I wanted her to see the difference between us.
What could that poor student give her?
I wanted to take a gamble that she would change her mind.
We've been together for so many years, intertwined; to really separate, we'd have to cut away countless layers of flesh and blood from each other.
She'll come to understand.
I didn't expect Lauryn to drive towards us.
She was just something to pass the time when I was bored. I didn't really like her that much.
It's just that she looked a bit like Nicole.
I liked the way she looked at me with those eyes, resembling Nicole's, with adoration and infatuation.
I didn't want to continue entangling with her.
I didn't expect her to be so extreme.
In that moment, my body lunged forward before I could react.
Only can I saw Nicole.
Before the darkness came, two fleeting thoughts crossed my mind.
She's safe, that's good.
She ultimately chose that man.
……
During those three days of unconsciousness, I kept having dreams.
In my dreams, I relived my early life.
And Nicole.
From the time she wore school uniforms, looking so innocent, to later, when she squatted at the subway entrance and shared a plate of cold noodles with me, and then to her happy face on her wedding day.
Finally, the image of her collapsed in a mess, crying and saying she hated me.
I really made her suffer, I thought.
She was always such a cheerful person.
What have I done?
Suddenly, I felt a great deal of pain and struggled to open my eyes.
When I saw Nicole again, I agreed to the divorce.
Saying those words hurt more than I imagined; for a moment, I felt like I couldn't hold on.
But she must really want to leave me.
I've already caused her so much pain.
Am I going to continue imprisoning her without letting go?
I want to see her smile.
Even if it's not for me.
So I forced a smile and said nonchalantly:
"Nothing. Just get lost with your lover. Don't let me see you again, you're an eyesore."
She looked at me for a long time, and finally curved the corner of her mouth.
"Okay."
I wanted to tell her not to go.
Nicole, don't leave.
Whatever you want, I can give you. Please don't go.
I hoped she would look back at me one more time.
But she never looked back.
I finally understood that she really didn't love me anymore.
If this is the happiness you want.
That's fine.
Go ahead and walk away completely, leaving all the entanglements on me.
Because this is my punishment.
I suddenly understood; this was her punishment for me.
I'll spend the rest of my life drowning in the memories she left behind.
