Sometimes Asa felt that Lillian understood him well.
Other times, he felt she didn't understand him enough.
But the lack of understanding was also a result of Asa's deliberate actions. After all, Lillian was just a lover, and no powerful figure would let their lover know everything about them.
For example, Lillian didn't know that Asa, starting as a bastard child locked up in a mental institution, had become the successor of the Stout family thanks largely to the help of an older brother figure.
This older brother had been involved with gangs since his teens, bold enough to charge into enemies' hideouts with just a knife, possessing all the qualities of a true gang lord, and was one of the most famous figures in F City.
Under his guidance, Asa first established himself within the gang, then gradually eliminated his rivals, until his father named him the sole heir in his will.
Asa thought that the older brother would share the power with him.
But the older brother didn't.
The older brother seemed to have a change of heart at thirty-six, telling Asa that he had a woman he deeply loved, who was pregnant and afraid of the violence, and wanted him to retire and live a peaceful life.
If it were the present-day Asa, he would have advised the older brother that there was no retirement in the underworld'C either you went all the way or faced certain death.
But at that time, he didn't understand this principle.
After the older brother retired, their enemies came calling.
They kidnapped his wife and demanded that he come alone to redeem her.
The once cool and ruthless man acted as if he had lost his mind, doing whatever the kidnappers told him to do.
When Asa found the older brother, he was thrown by the roadside, broken and battered.
He still had a breath left in him, and his first words upon seeing Asa were, "Is she okay?"
Asa knew he was asking about the woman and paused before saying, "She's fine."
The older brother was relieved.
He looked at the young man he had trained, imparting his final words of wisdom:
"Bro, remember what I'm telling you: if you want to rise higher, you can't have any weaknesses.
"Giving your heart truly and completely to a woman is called true love to others, but for us, it's a fatal weakness."
Don't tell my wife about my death. Tell her that I've run off with another woman and left her some money, so she shouldn't come looking for me'"
After Asa nodded in agreement, the older brother died with peace of mind.
Asa fell into a long silence in front of the older brother's corpse.
He lied to the older brother. The enemies hadn't left any survivors.
The older brother’s wife was also dead, her body just a few dozen meters away, which Asa had shielded with his own body.
Asa arranged the funerals for the older brother and his wife, then massacred the entire enemy clan.
Over the next decade, Asa remembered the older brother's words.
He climbed higher than the older brother ever did, and he couldn't afford any weaknesses.
Rumors spread that the girl who listened to him play piano outside the mental institution was his unattainable love.
Every time Asa heard these rumors, he wanted to laugh.
How ridiculous. He was a man who dared to draw a knife against his own father. How significant could a young girl who listened to him play the piano twice be? But he was content to let the world believe this.
Having a fake weakness was better than having none at all, wasn't it?
Asa felt that if the world believed he loved the so-called white moonlight, then Lillian would be safer.
Lillian was the woman who had been with Asa the longest.
Asa remembered the older brother's words: women could be kept and played with, but not loved.
Asa didn't expect to fall in.
Three years had passed, and he had deluded himself into not thinking about this issue, until Lillian asked him at the height of his passion,
Do you love me?
Asa nearly blurted out "yes."
He then realized what he was about to do and felt a bone-chilling fear.
The image of the older brother's shattered bones and the corpse of his pregnant wife not far away appeared before him like a nightmare.
Asa got up.
He couldn't face this question and fled in panic.
He knew Lillian was crying behind him.
She was obedient, crying almost silently, but his heart ached with each sob.
Asa felt he was finished.
He felt he needed to detach, to break free.
