However, in the dead of night, I found myself clutching my pillow and standing at his door once more.
"What do you want?" He had just stepped out of the shower, clad only in a pair of shorts, pausing mid-hair drying to look at me and dropping the towel.
"I'm scared," I pointed at the thunder outside.
"And?" He lit a cigarette, eyeing me.
"Can I stay in the same room with you?" I mustered courage to ask.
I occupied a corner of the living room, using a sofa as a makeshift bed, with a ragged curtain tied up to serve as my makeshift room. It was manageable usually, but during thunderstorms, I simply couldn't bear it.
He paused a moment, sitting on the bed edge, patting the space beside him with a grin, "Sure, sleep here."
"No need, I'll just sleep on the floor," I clarified.
"Don't sleep on the floor, how can I let a girl sleep on the floor?" he insisted.
"Really, it's okay."
"Aren't you the one who said I'm a good guy, that you like me? What are you afraid of?" He kept staring, "I Haven't been with a woman in six months. Although I had seen many kinds of woman, never tried a young one like you before. Come, Let me give it a try..."
My mind froze for a second, stammering, "I... I just turned eighteen."
He held his cigarette with a wicked smile, "So what?"
"You!" I was furious, speechless, retreating with my pillow.
His laughter echoed behind me, reddening my face.
He truly had no moral compass.
No, he never had morals to begin with.
I had thought he was a good person before.
Knowing one's face doesn't mean knowing their heart.
I curled up in the living room corner. After two more claps of thunder, I couldn't take it anymore.
Better to face him than die of fear here.
I pushed the door opem, finding it unlocked.
The room was dark. Gathering courage, I walked straight to the bed, lay down, pulled the covers over me.I do all this in one swift motion.
"What are you doing?!" His breath was in my ear, my heart pounding in my throat. "I can't sleep, it's thundering, I came to sleep."
"Where are you sleeping? Is this where you sleep?" He yelled.
"You told me to sleep here!" I turned to confront him.
In the dark, I could only see his faintly glowing eyes, making my chest throb.
"Truly fearless you are," he said, pulling me by the waist.
I stiffened instantly.
"You body are so stiff. You are scared to be with me, go out then," he taunted.
"I am not scared," I stubbornly retorted, but dared not breathe deeply.
"Then why sleep, come on."
Come on?
My mind went blank.
Eighteen years of life experience didn't prepare me for the next move.
"Be proactive, you want it youself and I have to do the work?"
Darkness urged me to surrender, but I held my breath.
Suddenly, my father's words came to mind.
"Hesitant, timid, how did I give birth to a child with no ambition?"
Was my nature destined for societal rejection?
Was it because of my nature that he took all my siblings abroad and left me here? He did nothing after I was kidnapped
I knew I needed to change but feared it.
That sense of helplessness suffocated me.
Today, I refused to be the old me.
Gritting my teeth, I reached out, touched his head, and clumsily leaned in.
But before I made contact with him, I was pushed away.
"F*ck, you're serious."
Click, the overhead light flicked on, almost blinding me.
"Out!" Nathaniel pulled my arm.
He looked furious.
"No," I refused to yield.
"This is my room, you live off me and eat my food. Get it clear, do you think you have the right to refuse?" He hands akimbo, ready to throw me out the window.
I battled between fearing being thrown out and wishing to be.
Just threw me out, it would be over.
"I have no rights, I never have that sort of thing. At home, I couldn't say no. at school, I couldn't say no. Even when I was abandoned, I had no right to say no, Nathaniel…" My tears flowed, "I can't bear that anymore."
He froze, anger flaring, "What nonsense is that?"
"My dad won't come back, your money's lost. I can't repay you now, he doesn't want me."
Silence lingered.
Thought he'd comfort me.
Instead, "Don't die in my house.You could seek death elsewhere"
He was cold-hearted!
I cried harder, body trembling.
"I didn't get my money, fed you for months, and you want me to get blamed for your death here? Do I owe you and your father?"
He angrily fumbled for a cigarette, failed to light it several times, and threw the lighter.
"What do you want?" I sobbed.
"Pay me first." Commanding.
Money again.
Even death refused to accept me because of it.
I wept into his blanket.
He fetched a sheet, "This bed's yours, I'll sleep outside, okay?"
He stormed off.
"Nathaniel."
"What now?"
"Thunder's still outside."
He sighed, "I owe you."
He laid out the sheet, sprawled out nonchalantly.
Eventually, calming down, I couldn't sleep, tried calling him again.
"Nathaniel."
"What now, Your Highness?" He sounded reluctant.
"I've decided."
"What?"
"Tomorrow, I'll earn money."
He was silenced, huffed, "Thoughtful of you."
"I'm serious."
"Yeah, yeah, I know you are serious. Sleep, or else…" He threatened but faltered, mumbling, "I'm helpless against you."
Covering his head with the blanket, he went to sleep.
Thoughts of earning to repay him gave me a purpose, easing my sorrow.
As night deepened, I dreamed with Nathaniel in it.
