During dinner, he casually asked me:
"Why did you break off the engagement?"
"My family went bankrupt, and he broke it off first. Probably because he didn't think I could offer him any help."
I picked up a large piece of beef, just like when we first started dating—leaving the lean meat behind, and putting the fatty pieces into Fitzroy's plate.
He stared at it for a full two seconds without stopping me.
Then he said nothing, put on gloves, and started peeling shrimp for me.
After placing the peeled shrimp in my bowl, I took a bite of beef and asked him: "Why did you go back home without saying anything? Are you scared of me?"
"No, I had an urgent matter."
"Tell me the truth."
"...I was afraid you'd say something hurtful."
He pressed his lips together.
"I was afraid you'd regret it after waking up, and I didn't want to hear the same things again, so I just ran away."
"You make it sound like I'm some unreasonable shrew."
I pushed the remaining beef in front of Fitzroy and asked, "So how do you define our relationship now?" He paused, clearly unsure of what to say.
He carefully studied my expression for a while before hesitantly saying, "Lovers? Friends? No... girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend," I suppose.
I said, "Fitzroy, let's try dating."
---
I've never been one to force things.
So when something seems clearly unsuitable, when I can see the big obstacles ahead, I usually avoid it.
Like when I broke up with Fitzroy after graduation. Like when I had no hesitation in calling off my engagement to Jonathan.
Like how I repeatedly turned down Fitzroy's attempts to reconcile. When something's not right, it's just too difficult.
And I didn't need to suffer through all this.
As for why I agreed now... I can't really explain it.
Maybe it's because that night Fitzroy said he just wanted a home.
Maybe it's because that night, he cried while apologizing and held me tightly, repeatedly saying he didn't want to lose me.
Or maybe it's because, before he left that morning, he kissed my cheek, looking so reluctant, and said in a dejected tone, "Can you not hate me?"
Growing up, I rarely acted without reason. There were only two times I did.
One was when I slept with Fitzroy right after we started dating in our first year of university. The second is now, choosing to rekindle things with him.
[Perhaps it's because I've been so lonely lately.] I thought.
After all, people aren't perfectly rational machines.
Not believing in love didn't mean I didn't long for those emotions. It's funny when I think about it.
As an adult, the few emotional moments I've had have all been related to Fitzroy.
---
Being with Fitzroy didn't really affect my life much.
I still went to work as usual, sometimes coming home late due to overtime, but I'd always send him a message.
And at night...
It felt like he was trying to unload all the frustrations he had been bottling up for years. He would hold me tight, not letting go, insisting on tiring both of us out before stopping.
I'd scold him for being crazy, and he'd admit it, saying he'd been thinking about all of this for six years, and it hurt so much it nearly broke him. I told him to get lost:
"You really are just a beast who thinks with his lower half."
"I'm not."
He held me close, his voice hoarse.
"I won't leave. Even if I do, I'll still hold you while I leave... Darling, when are we getting married?" He wanted to get married.
He wanted the marriage certificate.
He said it every night.
He begged me, pressured me, and tried everything to get me to agree to marry him in bed.
Once he realized I liked seeing him cry, he would often fake tears, acting pitiful while saying he wanted to marry me. The once dominant man, now a crying mess, didn't seem like a boss at all.
More like a dog wrapped in a high-end suit. But I didn't dare say it out loud.
