In the early winter of the city, I gave birth to a child.
He was a boy, and also the first child of Eliot.
Due to heavy bleeding, I was very weak.
It wasn't until the third day after the baby's birth that I managed to regain some strength.
Eliot came to my bedside in a hurry, holding the child in his arms with great care.
The blue swaddling cloth wrapped around the tiny sleeping infant.
My gaze barely brushed over his face before it quickly turned away.
"Aurelia, look at him; his eyebrows and mouth are just like yours..."
He carefully handed the child to me, his eyes filled with eager anticipation.
But I turned my face away and closed my eyes.
"I'm tired and want to sleep for a while."
Eliot stared at me, then after a long moment, said, "Alright, then you sleep for a bit, I'll take him out."
I kept my eyes closed as I listened to his footsteps fade away.
The door opened, then closed.
All sound disappeared.
But behind my closed eyes, an indistinct image of the baby's little face appeared.
The same brows and eyes as mine, the small mouth.
That mass of flesh that had been inside me for almost ten months.
Now I had to sever the connection myself.
How could it not hurt?
But I had no choice.
I couldn't look at him, not even once.
If I did, I wouldn't be able to let go.
When the baby was one week old.
I woke from my afternoon nap to find something new beside my pillow.
It was a thin kraft paper envelope.
Inside were several sheets of paper, the top one titled "Divorce Agreement."
I glanced at it and put it back.
His marriage had nothing to do with me.
Neither did the divorce.
I wouldn't act like the heroine in a romance novel,
thinking I could make someone powerful bend completely to my will.
Just as Eliot had said before,
his marriage was a transaction designed to maximize benefits.
So the divorce, naturally, was because there was no longer any profit to be gained.
Not because of me.
Later that afternoon, Eliot brought the child to my hospital room again.
By then, I was able to get out of bed and walk a few steps.
So I started slowly gathering my belongings.
When he entered, he saw the untouched envelope on my bedside table.
His eyes darkened gradually.
But soon, he composed himself.
He came closer to me, holding and teasing the child.
"Aurelia, look how he seems hungry, opening his little mouth looking for food."
The blue swaddling was presented in front of me.
But I turned my face away: "If he's hungry, have the nurse feed him formula milk."
I didn't want to look at him, let alone breastfeed him.
Eliot smiled. "Do you believe me when I say that I'm the one feeding him now?"
I remained silent, staring out the window.
Eliot continued talking. "I've even learned how to change diapers."
"The little one can eat quite a lot, waking us up two or three times a night..."
"He seems to have put on some weight these past few days, his cheeks are chubby, don't you want to see him?"
As he spoke, he placed the child right next to me.
"I'll go make a phone call, Aurelia, can you watch him for a moment..."
Before I could say anything, Eliot left the room in large strides.
He seemed truly hungry, opening his small mouth and searching, then he began to cry.
The instant his crying started, my heart ached deeply.
Instinctively, I wanted to pick him up.
But when I reached out, I hardened my heart.
I turned around and went straight to the bathroom.
Standing in front of the mirror, tears streamed down my face.
The crying outside continued for a while longer, then stopped.
Perhaps the nanny took him away.
I raised my hand to wipe away my tears.
The empty silence felt like an abyss that could swallow everything.
I couldn't bear another second.
